Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Marrying Down

The husband of a good friend told her that he had "married down" as part of an argument/discussion/conversation that I won't go into.

This upsets me on many levels, and since I am trying my damnedest to butt out of a relationship of which I am not a member, I will be venting now.

First, this woman is my friend.  No, she is not perfect.  She has flaws.  We all do.  But she has been my friend for years, and I am loyal to her.  Therefore, when someone says anything that hurts her deliberately - which I can only assume this comment was intended to do - I get what you might call "furious."  (You do not want to upset my mama bear instincts, people.  It becomes ouch-time for you.)

I had to restrain myself from texting her husband to tell him "look, jackass, you don't get to talk to my friend that way."  But I did.  Restrain myself.  Because I am a grown-up, and I realize that what goes on in the privacy of their relationship is none of my business.  Even though I don't like it that my friend was hurt, it is not my place to confront her husband about it.  It is hers.

Second, and I say this as someone who has never been married, I simply can't imagine ever telling my spouse that I "married down."  Presumably, you get married because you love each other.  Presumably, if you love each other, you think the world of one another.  I'm not saying this means you don't recognize that neither of you is perfect -- again, we all have flaws.  But you both agreed to commit to one another enough to be married, so you agreed to accept each others' flaws. 

I can understand perhaps having a conversation with a spouse in a supportive way -- something along the lines of "I think you're great - you have so much potential - what can I do to help you fulfill your ambitions."  Perhaps even a more assertive "Let's talk about short-term goals for our family -- I was thinking this -- and that might mean some changes.  What do you think?"  type of conversation. 

As a single person, I can't say I've really ever been in a position to have these conversations.

But I just simply can't imagine what amounts to saying "You know, I'm way better than you" to someone I love enough to be married to.

I've been upset about this for hours.  Hopefully by blogging about it, I can put those feelings down.


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