Monday, May 5, 2014

On Being a Grown Up

I'm in my mid thirties, and I can say with confidence that I do not feel like a grown up.

Yes, I am responsible.  Almost to a ridiculous degree at work and throughout much of my personal life.  But I'm not perfect.

For example, I missed a mortgage payment (cringe) because I could have SWORN I enrolled in auto-payments.  But I didn't.  One $30 late fee and wishful thinking no impact to my credit report, let's hope I learned my lesson.

My mother had me when she was 30, and my father was 33.  They already had an 8-year old.  I never once remember thinking "oh, they have no clue what they are doing."  And though my father has a very strong personality, I'm sure there were moments when even he didn't feel like an adult.  Possibly during our Friday night trips to Taco Bell and Winchell's Donuts.

I know that life is supposed to be challenging.  I just wish I didn't feel so much of the time that I wasn't up to the challenge.

I want to sell my house.  I really do.  Yet it's an unmitigated disaster, and I just couldn't care less about changing that.  I know it won't change unless I change it .... but I seem to act as though magic fairies are going to do that for me.

My cousin is 30 and unemployed.  He is looking for work, but really discouraged.  And he's my roommate.  And I don't know how to make his life easier.

One of my best friends' marriage is falling apart.  They are about to go to counselling, and I hope it works out.  But I don't know how to make her life easier.

Someone I love is in the hospital, recovering from a serious illness.  And I don't know how to make his life easier.

... I don't know how to make anyone's life easier, let alone my own.

I feel like I'm supposed to have all my shit together.  And instead it feels like the world is falling apart beneath me.

I really thought that by the time I reached this point in my life, I would have a handle on things.  And granted, I do in some areas of life.  But sometimes I think that those are the areas of life I care least about.  Will I really look back in 50 years and think I should have spent more time at work?  Probably not.  Though spending more time at work now may help me have those thoughts from a beach-front home.

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